My drop dead gorgeous Siberian Husky, Kona, was born on March 27th, 2017 and passed away on September 2nd, 2018.
Kona was just a dog. A dog that loved to run, play, go adventuring, hunt for mice, go for car rides, and get her belly scratched. She was friendly and caring and even though she could be very stubborn at times, she wasn’t a bad dog. She understood who she should listen to and who she could push the boundaries with. She loved her family and wanted them to be happy. Kona was perfect.
Kona and I did absolutely everything together. Wherever I went, she would be there with me. The longest we were ever apart, since we brought her home on May 27th, 2017, was about three hours so we were very attached to each other.
This past year has been an extremely difficult year for me, I have endured more stress than I could have ever imagined having but luckily, my sweet, faithful husky was by my side..
Before 2018, I was naive, trusting, and I didn’t know how to stand up for myself, not even to my own family. But over the past year, I’ve learnt a lot about life, love, needs, wants, and respect.
As the most trying year of my life rumbled along full-speed ahead, I was sinking deeper into my consuming depression. While the dark clouds were rolling in, enveloping my every thought. I began to rely on Kona for comfort. She was there throughout all of the intense ups and downs that seemed to come continually over the past year. No one else seemed to understand or just couldn’t understand. I was alone except for Kona.
I used her to mask all of my fears. She was my fearless protector.
I put all of my stress onto Kona and began to use her as my shield from my problems.
In spring, I realized Kona was pregnant before the rest of my family thought she showed any signs. The male dog had traveled over two kilometers and had been so sneaky. I left Kona alone for one minute and that was all it took. She was so young, but it was my fault, I should have had a fenced yard if I wasn’t fixing her right away. A couple of months after, she went into labor for thirty-six excruciating hours. I did not sleep or leave her side the entire time. When I would quickly go to refill her water she would cry for me to hurry until I returned. She gave birth to eight adorable puppies on June 27th, 2018.
All summer long, Kona and the steadily-growing puppies were my excuse to stay home and to not have to drive my kids to their summer activities. I began to tell my twelve-year-old daughter that I could not make dinner, wash the dishes, or clean the kitchen for the family practically every day because I had to tend to Kona and her puppies. So my caring and loving daughter made dinner for the family, washed the dishes, and cleaned the kitchen all summer long and did not make one complaint.
My ten year old son, spent every day of his summer at his Baba’s, asking me if he could go to his Baba’s until Dad was home, or secretly calling his Baba to see if she would pick him up. When asked he would fervently promise his Baba that life at home was great but my mother-in-law wasn’t blind to the obvious, I was not myself anymore and was a failing, train wreck that two kids referred to as “Mom.”
The truth is, the stress I was experiencing had snowballed completely out-of-control and I was not okay.
I spent my summer with Kona, helped Kona take care of her puppies, stared at a wall in my husbands shop, or some random combination of all three. I just wanted to be alone. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I was neglecting my role as a mother, which would only make me more depressed and want to hide away more.
When my husband would get home from a long, tiring day at work, he would help the kids clean the house, do the laundry, make sure they had bathed, sit with them, talk with them, and give them extra love that I stopped providing. He began to resent me.
He said he couldn’t stand me. I was annoying and unattractive to him. I wasn’t who he had always thought I was. He wasn’t sure if he was still in love me.
I knew my husband was getting frustrated with me and I knew I was failing as a wife, a mother, and every other role in my family. I justified my actions by turning it around on them, blaming them, and making up all sorts of excuses.
Kona was always patient with me. She always supported me and encouraged me. She would nudge me sweetly with her nose on the days I would stare at the shop wall too long or stay in bed too late. She would tell me I had to get moving. She would make me get out of the house, ask the kids to come with me and we’d take her for a run. At the end of August when the time had arrived, we gave six of the puppies to friends and neighbours. We planned to keep one and the other we thought we would sell.
Four or five days after the six puppies went to their new homes… one of my worst nightmares came to life.
It was my job to keep Kona safe but I was lost in my selfish world of despair.
My husband had just taken Kona for a run and he had asked me to watch her as he moved his truck. I didn’t. I didn’t do my job. Kona was my biggest supporter, my selfless sidekick, my best friend and my constant companion. My one job was to watch her but I never watched her leave the puppy pen. When I heard it I knew instantly. I ran around the corner and she starred straight in my eyes as she struggled to get free from the truck tire she was pinned under. The look Kona gave me will haunt me for the rest of my life. She knew and she was sad, yearning for me to help her. It was the only time, in her short life, that I ever saw my brave, strong, determined ‘Lady’ scared. She never went in front of any running vehicles. She knew better than that.
Kona was so strong. When the vehicle finally moved, she got up and ran to the front porch of our house, her favourite place to lay.
I don’t believe she wanted to go and I don’t believe she planned it. But I do believe she knew that she would and I do believe she knew she would be saving my life.
Kona saved my life, whether she truly knew she would, isn’t important. Kona, my beautiful lady, saved me from ruining my own life. Since September 2nd, I have made every single meal, cleaned the house daily, I’ve kept on the laundry, and helped wherever I have been needed. I have yet to escape the clutches of depression and anxiety that I was so abruptly forced into early this year and it’s grip is only that much tighter with Kona’s passing. Despite that, I can’t and I wont give up. My children and my husband deserve better. Kona deserved better, she wanted better, she needed better, and so do her last two puppies, Chewy and Shanks. I promised Kona, so I won’t let her down.
